my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
