My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Im part way to drunk.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
