On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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