I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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