that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
