I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
