I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
