If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
