smell my finger.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
