we're chasing vodka with high fives
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
