We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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