my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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