Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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