Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
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I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
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I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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