Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
