she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
