first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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