Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
