thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
