Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
