I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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