I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
