Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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