I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Randomize
