I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
