her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
