Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
