...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
