and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
