my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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