Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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