Got a toothbrush?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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