Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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