U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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