Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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