1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I currently don't understand fingers.
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