She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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