Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
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I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
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The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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