her vagine was all disorganized.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
