They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
