i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
