I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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