Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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