I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
