So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
