it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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