i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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