i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
