Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
