2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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