sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
