My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
