i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
