maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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