i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
