He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
