my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
