Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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