im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
