had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
