I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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