You just made me feel so damn special
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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