I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
